The Seventh Commandment

I was doing some reading and also involved in some interesting conversations lately and it got me thinking about the topic of monogamy. I have very strong opinions on the subject. I want to make it clear that I’m not trying to make excuses for infidelity or even suggest that it is something that people should get over, I’m just stating my humble opinion and leaving it at that.

The Double Standard:

I want to start by acknowledging that in my mind there is a double standard. I’m not speaking for all human beings; I’m not even speaking for all males. I think the thoughts on this are specific to the individual. I’ve met girls that have this understanding that “boys will be boys” and to an extent have accepted the idea of potential betrayal. There are also females who feel like any kind of disloyalty is the end all be all of any relationship. This is one of those conversations that you and your partner should have.

From the beginning of time this double standard has existed. In one of those conversations that I was having with a group of friends, a guy said that he being unfaithful was not even a sin. Of course that statement threw the whole room for a loop. His words made me look further into what point he was trying to make. I’m not one to claim to have the bible memorized but I could have sworn that the seventh commandment was “Though shall not commit adultery”. I feel like that was one of the clearest of all the written commandments. I decided to go a little deeper and get a history lesson on how this commandment (law) was perceived in context. The ancient Hebrews in particular had a very restricted understanding of the concept and limited it to just sexual intercourse between a man and a woman who was either already married or at least betrothed. The marital status of the man was irrelevant. Thus, a married man was not guilty of “adultery” for having sex with an unmarried woman. In reality this commandment was not even implemented because of the morality of infidelity it was more so that family lineage’s could be clear and a certain identity of the father of the women’s children was there. This explanation was intriguing to me. It got me thinking was this the beginning of the double standard……….

Nah I think it is deeper than any social construct could create. I think there is inevitability to it all because of the genetic makeup of us all. I have made this argument many times before but I want to reiterate my stance; “Monogamy is not natural”. When I say natural, I mean that if it wasn’t for the social constructs implemented, men would not “naturally” or inherently find one woman and spend his whole life solely with her. My belief is more so that social monogamy does not necessarily imply sexual monogamy. I’m not saying that just because it’s not natural means it’s impossible. I’m just saying to perform this unnatural act will take an unnatural effort. I also want to be clear that “natural” does not imply good. Few people would argue that learning to play the violin is natural; after all, it takes years of dedication and hard work. "Doing what comes naturally" is easy. Any man who is aspiring to genuinely be monogamous is swimming upstream against his evolutionarily biological forces. As I said before I’m not using this idea as excuse for us males to be unfaithful or anything, I’m just serving some food for thought. Anyone who claims that he or she simply isn't "cut out" for monogamy misses the point: No one is. At the same time, no one's biology precludes monogamy either.



Just a thought



"I'm a Michelle looking for a Barack" STFU.

This topic stems from an event at UNC back when Solidad Obrian’s “Black in America” CNN special was just coming out. The topic came up at the event about black relationships and how successful blacks were not ending up together and things of that nature. Of course it turned into a nigga bashing event so I had to stand up and give my piece. A quick synopsis of my comments where; most everything males do is to impress women. We pay attention to what women of our community have placed value on and therefore emulate that to impress the women we adore. The problem is the value system in our community. If smarts and education where valued as much as rims and jewelry, what we strived to attain would change.

Of course this comment had many rebuttals, but I wanted to expand on the idea and just put some thoughts out there. I’m sure you can guess what the first rebuttal was (especially at a school like UNC) from the females. “I value education and a smart guy”. Yeah you say that but show something totally different. Yes I do believe that a lot of those females really did have educational achievements somewhere in there list of traits wanted in their ideal man, but at some point they settled. Somewhere along the line they settled for the flash or thug. A lot of girls love to say they are a “Michelle looking for a Barack”. I understand the comparison but what they need to think about is; Did Michelle go through a “thug phase”? HELL NO. Imagine if Michelle would have settled at some point. Do you think Barack would have associated himself w/ that? Another HELL NO.

It may be true, especially for educated women, that they value education and morals to some extent. I do truly believe that. The problem is that too often they settle. You see too many good girls with the bad guys. It may just be the laws of attraction but in our community, in many ways it is what keeps the cycle going. I can almost promise you that if a dude knew that if he dropped out of high school he would neva eva, eva eva end up with a decent woman, think about how motivated he would be to graduate high school. In some parts of society this scenario is true. In some parts of society men know to get the best women they have to be the most accomplished, smartest men in their community. These demands from the women are what drive certain demographics to greatness. The problem is that brothers see that some of the best and brightest girls of our community being coupled with some of the most undeserving dudes change our focus. This leads me to the next rebuttal I’m sure to receive. “Soon as brothers find success they go to white women”. 

That argument is not as much of a color thing as we like to make it. It’s more of a values thing. A larger portion of white women have stayed the course as to presenting a clear picture of what their values are. You want to be where you feel like your assets are appreciated. I want to emphasize that this is not strictly a color thing, there are plenty of black women who have the same mental makeup. I’m sure when Michelle LaVaughn Robinson was walking around Harvard Law it was obvious that “ain’t shit” nigga’s didn’t have a chance with her, and I’m sure Barack noticed that.

Back when I initially made these comments I was shooting myself in the foot, because I was the jock, or the “nigga who was getting girls for shallow reasons”.  In all honestly though I already liked girls who valued different things. Thankfully for me I was attracted to girls who demanded certain qualities. The girl(s) I wanted, I knew wouldn’t have anything to do with me if I wasn’t doing certain things with my life. I know how shallow this is but honestly trying to get this type of woman has been a lot of my motivation because I know without accomplishing certain things I wouldn't have a chance. The sad thing is the opposite is true in a major portion of the African American community. The women they wanted or the women that they are exposed to, have shown a different set of values. My point of this was to tell the sista’s out there, don’t settle. You are somebody’s motivation and don’t motivate him towards the wrong thing.

Just a thought.

Commentary by @tcoop32

It takes a lot to irk me, but the following comment does: “I’m trying to find my Barack Obama”.  This comment typically comes from “successful black women”.  Yeah, the ones that graduated college, have read a few books, and have created this unrealistic ideology of relationships.  It doesn’t annoy me that Barack Obama is the measuring stick for black men in America.  No, I don’t agree with some of his political decisions, but his ascension from a poor black man to becoming the President of the United States is incredible.  However, I think we, both men and women, are missing a quintessential piece.
 
Every female wants a Barack Obama, but they aren’t a Michelle Robinson Obama.  See, Michelle was a good woman.  More so than anything else, she understood the struggle of being a black man in America, and she Barack with all of his imperfections.  She embraced his smoking habits, his financial woes, etc.  She didn’t have a laundry list of prerequisites for him attain before they became involved.  Women our age haven’t quite matured to this level yet.  When they do, I’m sure they will find their Barack.  And by the way, I love Michelle Obama: maybe not personally, but I love the principles that she applies to her love life…

Average Millionaire

In respects to the recent NFL draft I wanted to talk about some the realities some of my close friends are about to face. With their new found success come new lifestyle expectations. I know this is an exciting time for them and their closest associates but the harsh realities of this life style are in full motion as well. I know we have all heard the wild stats about NFL careers and position they are left in after their playing days are over. USA today says that 78% of all NFL players are divorced, bankrupt or unemployed two years after leaving the game. I’m a believer that a lot of these stats are as circumstantial as an opinion. (I want to establish up front that what I’m presenting is also an opinion, a damn good one though, lol).

Any college player who was a part of a decent college football program has been told the daunting stats of what achieving NFL success will entail. Most of that knowledge goes in one ear and out of the other. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing though. Once you make it to the major college ranks it's impossible not to think that you have a chance. Quite honestly if you spend that much time and dedication with football, you should dream about playing it at its highest level. I think there are two issue that get guys in trouble.

#1 Career expectations.

I’m sure we all remember when we would tell our 1st grade teacher our career goals and the kid who said Pro athlete would always receive that look of apprehension. The proud few who did achieve those dreams can now say “I told yah so”. The only problem is that they should have had a two part answer. With the average NFL career being just 3 season’s these guys are left with a lot of life to live. The amount of confidence needed by an individual to make it to the pros is the same confidence that leads them to believe that they can play forever. I remember at the height of my NFL dreams (yeah I had them too, lol) my dad would always say, “look at it as a jump start to your life, not as your entire life.” What he meant by that was if the opportunity comes it will just be a jump start to your professional life, Instead of coming out of school making $60,000 you will come out making $330,000 for a few years. That thought process not only saves you from putting lifetime expectations on your pro earnings but also prepares you for the circumstance that you don’t make it. The sad truth is that 55% of NFL careers last < 3 years. So that’s 3 years of income. Sadly in a lot of cases guys will spend the next two years dwindling their savings training and preparing for another chance to get back into the league. I know most people are like “still Vince that’s $330,000 a year” and I agree that is a substantial amount of money, but the riches of the average NFL player are so misconstrued. That leads into what I think is the second issue that gets guys in trouble.

#2 Living up to lifestyle expectations.

The societal pressure for NFL players to live a certain lifestyle is astronomical (especially the African American ones). The biggest societal misconception is that everyone in an NFL jersey is a millionaire. That is far from the truth. The families of most of these NFL guys think that NFL contract is going to be able to buy momma a new house and rebuild the local church. The average player can’t dream of affording that, but they sure will pretend. When people see the fortunes of the top players they automatically apply that to the whole profession. While to most of society that $330,000 league minimum is an enormous figure, but when you’re living a million dollar lifestyle it doesn’t stretch that far. When you take a closer look at that salary the figure becomes even less impressive. First off that salary is made in an 18 week time scale compared to 52 weeks like most jobs. In some states that rookie salary is taxed like they earn 500,000 over the course of the year which takes off an even greater chunk of their money. It takes a tremendous amount of maturity and responsibility to ration that pay to last for the whole year. I can barely budget being paid once a month I couldn’t imagine stretching 18 weeks of pay to 52 weeks of living. My point is that the lifestyle pressures of these guys influence’s there budget more than anything and ultimately is a huge contributor to the daunting stat I mentioned up top.

With all that being said the point of this was to let all the gold diggers know, it would be wise for you all to just go get a job. It’s not worth the trouble, lol.

Just a thought

N.A.S.

Nigga’s ain’t Shit. Yeah your right, we’re not. Whenever I get a chance to ask a chick why she says N.A.S., the answer is rarely the same, but it does have one overwhelming theme; Disappointment. That is why I hold a little bit of compassion. (Granted the blanket statement of Nigga’s ain’t Shit is not the best way to voice your frustration or disappointment.) Understanding their frustrations is where my compassion ends. I hold no compassion for the disappointments themselves. Disappointments only come from your expectations not being lived up to. One thing about “niggas” is we are not good at keeping up a façade for a long time. We always show you who we are eventually. Most females are just blind to it, and/or don’t want to see it.

The first problem is a lot of girls build their expectations within the first 3 or 4 conversations. How is that even possible? DON'T start making assumptions. Don't assume that just because he has nice clothes, a nice car, a good job, nice crib, and all that, he WOULDN'T be an aint shit nigga. Expectations should arrive gradually. When you build those expectations at the beginning you naturally make yourself blind to the individual showing you their true colors. Those true colors are where your expectations should come from. I know a lot of girl are like “Why don’t they just show their true colors up front?” I don’t know the answer to that question? I told you we ain’t shit.

Problem number two is falling into the same pattern of behavior. Whether it’s going to the same places to meet people, or dating within the same social circles, or hooking up with the same type of dude, it’s all insane. I mean that in the most literal of ways. It truly is idiotic to do the same things and expect different results.

Let’s think about it for a second. IF you go to the club, meet a guy, and he turns out to be an idiot, what do you do? Go RIGHT back to the same club and meet the other guy you thought was cute. Insane right?

How about you hook up with dude, it doesn’t work out, and the next thing you know, you are rolling with his friend…… Insanity

(Do you know WHY I hang out with the dudes I hang out with? BECAUSE THEY ARE LIKE ME!!!!! WE HAVE COMMON INTERESTS!!! Which means, if HE is an idiot, so is his damn friend!!!!....)

I am an advocate of people having a type or a set of standards. BUT if you have been hurt before and you always end up with the same type of dude and your taste hasn’t developed then yeah, you guessed it……INSANE.

Date outside of your comfort zone. You don’t have to marry the dude just get out a lil bit. See what else is around. If you always date the same kind of person you don’t really know what you REALLY enjoy.

I know this was no dissertation but I wanted to give my quick 2 cents on the debate. You know I couldn’t be left out. I know I didn’t take any of the blame for our faults but trying to figure out why “niggas” do what we do would take a team of psychiatrists. I was just trying to give a little insight as to why some of yal keep running into so called “ain’t shit niggas” it’s simply because we all are not shit to some extent. Just open your eyes and see who you’re truly dealing with and that will save everyone a lot of disappointment.

If you're not the one, you're the Prototype. *2011 edition*

Even though I’m only 10 months into it, dating post undergrad is a scary scene. Not that it’s more difficult (it’s actually quite a bit easier), it’s just the pressure of the situation now. There are no for play-play relationships after graduation. It gets real, quick. Being in a relationship post graduation takes on an entirely new meanin. The dynamics of attraction have changed. Back in undergrad there were a lot more superficial reason’s to date people. Needless to say, a lot of that disappears upon graduation.


I don’t wanna get to far away from my intentions for writing this. Back when I was a sophomore I made this childish facebook album (Link) about my prototypical girl. Looking back I admit it was immature, especially how superficial it was. While the content of the album was childish I do not disagree with having a set of standards/expectations. I’m going to try to re-examine mine from a more mature stance for my 2011 edition. To stick with the mature theme, I’m going to try to stray away from physical attributes as much as possible. Here we go;

1) Class

A lot of people like to say education, I disagree. There is a big difference between the two. There are a lot of educated women who lack the basics of class. There is a social education process, which has a lot to do with what you are exposed to, that is extremely valuable as well. A lack of class is the easiest way for an educated person to come across as ignorant. As you grow and mature you begin to value being around cultivated and tasteful people, and that extends to choosing a partner.

2) Achievements so far.

A lot of females like to say they want a dude with goals. That’s all fine and good, but plenty of people go broke betting on potential. I know we are all young adults and have plenty room to grow and mature. With that said by the time we graduate undergrad there is a certain amount of things you should have in order for your stated “goals” to hold value.

3) Respectable Track Record

With this I don’t mean your sex number. I’m over that. What I mean is the kind of dudes you have been associated with. You could be one of the most put together girls around but we always see your always associated with some ain’t shit dude, it’s a turn off. Females don’t realize how much attention we really pay to the quality of dudes you’ve allowed yourself to be associated with. There have been females who have had it all but I’ve been turned off because I don’t wanna become a part of that weak ass past boyfriend fraternity. For example, females always wonder why the basketball wives always bounce back with another balla. It’s because of the company they keep. Dudes see that she associates herself with high quality individuals and believe it or not we appreciate having a girl that other dudes we respect hold with high esteem.

4) Humble

I know this word is gonna ruffle a few feathers, especially from my “Successful Black Females”. To be clear I don’t mean subservient or submissive when I say humble. This is one of those attributes that I really have trouble explaining but it’s so important. I mean humble in interactions with your partner. That kinda “you mean the world to me”  feeling someone can give you by how they act. A lot of prominent women won’t succumb to that sort of attitude, but please believe that us males like to have the comfort of knowing we mean the world to you, also.

5) Loyal

Prove that you can stay instead of proving you will leave.

Just a thought

NPHC is a Step Back

Written By: Vince Jacobs and Taikein Cooper

*Disclaimer* This in no way is a Greek hate entry. I really respect the things the NPHC has done in the past for African Americans and understand the pride members take in their organizations. I respect the process, and all individuals involved. Both of my parents are proud NPHC members (Alabama A&M). When I say PWI throughout this entry I mean major (BCS conference) colleges, not necessarily the literal definition.
                   With that being said, I feel like the NPHC has no place at PWI’s.  I can understand the importance of these organizations on black campuses. From an outside opinion, Greeks, especially at black schools are the elites of their campus. Socially they are the top of the food chain, and the members are from every aspect of campus.  These are racially distinct organizations on racially specific campuses.

This is a different story at PWI’s. In contrast the NPHC at PWI’s is a very isolated part of the community especially among upperclassmen. Compared to HBCU’s where the whole community embraces these organizations. At PWI’s the majority of campus don’t even understand or recognize these groups. The NPHC hasn’t been able to integrate itself into the community at large and that is where it has failed. In order to be associated with this organization you have to essentially isolate yourself from campus, where at an HBCU the campus embraces these organizations as leaders and cornerstones of the community.

 As African Americans have expanded their presence on these major campuses they have decided to bring traditions from HBCU’s with them. Was this really necessary? I agree that we should make sure we have a presence on campus and our culture should be represented, but why would we segregate ourselves. Why not use some of these students to try to diversify some of the more notable campus wide organizations. Where we are truly being seen, heard, and respected by the campus at large. If you want to be a part of an exclusive group why limit yourself to the confines of just the African American campus. Can an organization where only an eighth of the campus would be interested in applying truly be considered “exclusive”? Why not use this opportunity to prove yourself exclusive to the community at large. The neighborhood HBCU down the street is not who you’re competing with. It seems like that’s who we are trying to impress.

When you are accepted into one the top schools in your given state you have already proven your elite status. If you are a student at one these schools you are an elite student, if you are an athlete at one of these schools you are an elite athlete, etc. Being a black student at these Universities already proves that you are elite, you don’t have to separate yourself from the general population to prove that. It’s now time to prove yourself against a larger pond. Being at a PWI gives you a four year head start in assimilating into American culture. This opportunity gives you the chance to understand and succeed at being a minority in a competitive atmosphere. Why waste that chance by joining a segregated group.

NPHC Greeks at PWI’s are not considered elite by their peers. Yes there is a selection process, but when the best of the best don’t apply can the organization really be considered elite. It may be the best of a small clique but not the best of the whole.

@TCOOP32

At the end of the day it comes down to what we value.  My people, value the wrong things.  We value things that in the grand scheme of things mean absolutely nothing in the real world, while our Caucasian counterparts value things that will help them get ahead.  This is why white fraternities and sororities leave their Greek life in college. You will NEVER see a white person with a Greek license plate unless it is Phi Theta Kappa which is the honor society.  We all know that my people throw their respected organization on their license plates cover, while white people put their respected alma maters on theirs.

My problem with NPHC is the same problem I have with HBCUs…they are systematically creating this fantasy world of what the real world looks like.  As an outsider (and correct me if I’m misinformed), it seems that NPHC and HBCUs foster this idea of black independence and isolation from “the man”, but we all know this is untrue in the real world.  The real world is a mirror image of what HBCUs and NPHC promotes. Frankly, I feel that NPHC at PWI’s have an antiquated purpose.  During the 60s and 70s, they played an integral role in inclusion.  In 2011, it’s a means to separate us once again.  Furthermore, if you plan to participate, leave it in college, don’t be strolling in grown folks events!!

Just a Thought

Fear of Diversity.

"We as a people have been exposed to this small box. Your passion and destiny lies in this small box. The reality is that sometimes you miss your passion because you haven’t been exposed to that thing that will spark what it is that you are supposed to be doing." - Jeff Johnson

I know a lot of my blogs have mentioned the idea of exposure, but in the African American community it’s so important, and currently the lack of it has been so detrimental. I honestly may be overestimating the value of exposure but I honestly think it broadens thoughts and expands our ideas.

Since I’ve been back in Charlotte, between school and just catching up with people I’ve had the most random conversations. We always come around to what they are doing now and what they are planning on doing in the future. During those conversations, it’s so apparent how small/large peoples “box of exposure” is. The interesting thing is the size of individuals boxes are not solely based on education. I encountered just as many narrow minded people in Grad school classrooms as I have in the streets of Charlotte. Now-a-days you have just as many rappers coming out Dorm rooms as Project Hall ways. My point is that we as African Americans aren’t using education as an opportunity to expose ourselves to the world at large. As more and more of us fill campuses of higher education, I feel like we are using it as a Handicap. When there was just a few of us we were forced to get out of our comfort zone and expose ourselves to a different demographic. Now many of us waste that opportunity (especially at PWI’s) and concede into our comfort zone.

I know this is getting to be a little race sensitive, but my father, who grew up in rural Mississippi always wanted me to be able to have white friends, have the ability to look at them as associates. He said growing up all he ever knew whites as was in a superior position. Whether it was white teachers in Primary School, White Coaches on his high school team, up to White supervisors at work, the only thing he knew was whites in authority. He said, him and so many of his friends didn’t even really know how to communicate with whites. It was almost a fear they had in general conversation. It wasn’t until my dad was in corporate America, and essentially forced to have these comrades that he was exposed to this new world. I think I get these ideas of diversity from my parents being raised during the civil rights era in Mississippi and Alabama, respectively.

This idea of exposure isn’t reserved only to those brought up during the civil rights south. This discomfort is alive in 2011. I have friends (some college educated) who to this day are uncomfortable talking to even the most pedestrian of white America. I don’t know where this discomfort comes from. I don’t know if it’s an inert fear, or a fear of the unfamiliar, but it’s evident in those who are unexposed.

I apologies for how off topic this became and the rambling that ensued. These are the thoughts that came out and the direction this topic went, lol.

Just a thought.