The Seventh Commandment

I was doing some reading and also involved in some interesting conversations lately and it got me thinking about the topic of monogamy. I have very strong opinions on the subject. I want to make it clear that I’m not trying to make excuses for infidelity or even suggest that it is something that people should get over, I’m just stating my humble opinion and leaving it at that.

The Double Standard:

I want to start by acknowledging that in my mind there is a double standard. I’m not speaking for all human beings; I’m not even speaking for all males. I think the thoughts on this are specific to the individual. I’ve met girls that have this understanding that “boys will be boys” and to an extent have accepted the idea of potential betrayal. There are also females who feel like any kind of disloyalty is the end all be all of any relationship. This is one of those conversations that you and your partner should have.

From the beginning of time this double standard has existed. In one of those conversations that I was having with a group of friends, a guy said that he being unfaithful was not even a sin. Of course that statement threw the whole room for a loop. His words made me look further into what point he was trying to make. I’m not one to claim to have the bible memorized but I could have sworn that the seventh commandment was “Though shall not commit adultery”. I feel like that was one of the clearest of all the written commandments. I decided to go a little deeper and get a history lesson on how this commandment (law) was perceived in context. The ancient Hebrews in particular had a very restricted understanding of the concept and limited it to just sexual intercourse between a man and a woman who was either already married or at least betrothed. The marital status of the man was irrelevant. Thus, a married man was not guilty of “adultery” for having sex with an unmarried woman. In reality this commandment was not even implemented because of the morality of infidelity it was more so that family lineage’s could be clear and a certain identity of the father of the women’s children was there. This explanation was intriguing to me. It got me thinking was this the beginning of the double standard……….

Nah I think it is deeper than any social construct could create. I think there is inevitability to it all because of the genetic makeup of us all. I have made this argument many times before but I want to reiterate my stance; “Monogamy is not natural”. When I say natural, I mean that if it wasn’t for the social constructs implemented, men would not “naturally” or inherently find one woman and spend his whole life solely with her. My belief is more so that social monogamy does not necessarily imply sexual monogamy. I’m not saying that just because it’s not natural means it’s impossible. I’m just saying to perform this unnatural act will take an unnatural effort. I also want to be clear that “natural” does not imply good. Few people would argue that learning to play the violin is natural; after all, it takes years of dedication and hard work. "Doing what comes naturally" is easy. Any man who is aspiring to genuinely be monogamous is swimming upstream against his evolutionarily biological forces. As I said before I’m not using this idea as excuse for us males to be unfaithful or anything, I’m just serving some food for thought. Anyone who claims that he or she simply isn't "cut out" for monogamy misses the point: No one is. At the same time, no one's biology precludes monogamy either.



Just a thought



"I'm a Michelle looking for a Barack" STFU.

This topic stems from an event at UNC back when Solidad Obrian’s “Black in America” CNN special was just coming out. The topic came up at the event about black relationships and how successful blacks were not ending up together and things of that nature. Of course it turned into a nigga bashing event so I had to stand up and give my piece. A quick synopsis of my comments where; most everything males do is to impress women. We pay attention to what women of our community have placed value on and therefore emulate that to impress the women we adore. The problem is the value system in our community. If smarts and education where valued as much as rims and jewelry, what we strived to attain would change.

Of course this comment had many rebuttals, but I wanted to expand on the idea and just put some thoughts out there. I’m sure you can guess what the first rebuttal was (especially at a school like UNC) from the females. “I value education and a smart guy”. Yeah you say that but show something totally different. Yes I do believe that a lot of those females really did have educational achievements somewhere in there list of traits wanted in their ideal man, but at some point they settled. Somewhere along the line they settled for the flash or thug. A lot of girls love to say they are a “Michelle looking for a Barack”. I understand the comparison but what they need to think about is; Did Michelle go through a “thug phase”? HELL NO. Imagine if Michelle would have settled at some point. Do you think Barack would have associated himself w/ that? Another HELL NO.

It may be true, especially for educated women, that they value education and morals to some extent. I do truly believe that. The problem is that too often they settle. You see too many good girls with the bad guys. It may just be the laws of attraction but in our community, in many ways it is what keeps the cycle going. I can almost promise you that if a dude knew that if he dropped out of high school he would neva eva, eva eva end up with a decent woman, think about how motivated he would be to graduate high school. In some parts of society this scenario is true. In some parts of society men know to get the best women they have to be the most accomplished, smartest men in their community. These demands from the women are what drive certain demographics to greatness. The problem is that brothers see that some of the best and brightest girls of our community being coupled with some of the most undeserving dudes change our focus. This leads me to the next rebuttal I’m sure to receive. “Soon as brothers find success they go to white women”. 

That argument is not as much of a color thing as we like to make it. It’s more of a values thing. A larger portion of white women have stayed the course as to presenting a clear picture of what their values are. You want to be where you feel like your assets are appreciated. I want to emphasize that this is not strictly a color thing, there are plenty of black women who have the same mental makeup. I’m sure when Michelle LaVaughn Robinson was walking around Harvard Law it was obvious that “ain’t shit” nigga’s didn’t have a chance with her, and I’m sure Barack noticed that.

Back when I initially made these comments I was shooting myself in the foot, because I was the jock, or the “nigga who was getting girls for shallow reasons”.  In all honestly though I already liked girls who valued different things. Thankfully for me I was attracted to girls who demanded certain qualities. The girl(s) I wanted, I knew wouldn’t have anything to do with me if I wasn’t doing certain things with my life. I know how shallow this is but honestly trying to get this type of woman has been a lot of my motivation because I know without accomplishing certain things I wouldn't have a chance. The sad thing is the opposite is true in a major portion of the African American community. The women they wanted or the women that they are exposed to, have shown a different set of values. My point of this was to tell the sista’s out there, don’t settle. You are somebody’s motivation and don’t motivate him towards the wrong thing.

Just a thought.

Commentary by @tcoop32

It takes a lot to irk me, but the following comment does: “I’m trying to find my Barack Obama”.  This comment typically comes from “successful black women”.  Yeah, the ones that graduated college, have read a few books, and have created this unrealistic ideology of relationships.  It doesn’t annoy me that Barack Obama is the measuring stick for black men in America.  No, I don’t agree with some of his political decisions, but his ascension from a poor black man to becoming the President of the United States is incredible.  However, I think we, both men and women, are missing a quintessential piece.
 
Every female wants a Barack Obama, but they aren’t a Michelle Robinson Obama.  See, Michelle was a good woman.  More so than anything else, she understood the struggle of being a black man in America, and she Barack with all of his imperfections.  She embraced his smoking habits, his financial woes, etc.  She didn’t have a laundry list of prerequisites for him attain before they became involved.  Women our age haven’t quite matured to this level yet.  When they do, I’m sure they will find their Barack.  And by the way, I love Michelle Obama: maybe not personally, but I love the principles that she applies to her love life…

Average Millionaire

In respects to the recent NFL draft I wanted to talk about some the realities some of my close friends are about to face. With their new found success come new lifestyle expectations. I know this is an exciting time for them and their closest associates but the harsh realities of this life style are in full motion as well. I know we have all heard the wild stats about NFL careers and position they are left in after their playing days are over. USA today says that 78% of all NFL players are divorced, bankrupt or unemployed two years after leaving the game. I’m a believer that a lot of these stats are as circumstantial as an opinion. (I want to establish up front that what I’m presenting is also an opinion, a damn good one though, lol).

Any college player who was a part of a decent college football program has been told the daunting stats of what achieving NFL success will entail. Most of that knowledge goes in one ear and out of the other. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing though. Once you make it to the major college ranks it's impossible not to think that you have a chance. Quite honestly if you spend that much time and dedication with football, you should dream about playing it at its highest level. I think there are two issue that get guys in trouble.

#1 Career expectations.

I’m sure we all remember when we would tell our 1st grade teacher our career goals and the kid who said Pro athlete would always receive that look of apprehension. The proud few who did achieve those dreams can now say “I told yah so”. The only problem is that they should have had a two part answer. With the average NFL career being just 3 season’s these guys are left with a lot of life to live. The amount of confidence needed by an individual to make it to the pros is the same confidence that leads them to believe that they can play forever. I remember at the height of my NFL dreams (yeah I had them too, lol) my dad would always say, “look at it as a jump start to your life, not as your entire life.” What he meant by that was if the opportunity comes it will just be a jump start to your professional life, Instead of coming out of school making $60,000 you will come out making $330,000 for a few years. That thought process not only saves you from putting lifetime expectations on your pro earnings but also prepares you for the circumstance that you don’t make it. The sad truth is that 55% of NFL careers last < 3 years. So that’s 3 years of income. Sadly in a lot of cases guys will spend the next two years dwindling their savings training and preparing for another chance to get back into the league. I know most people are like “still Vince that’s $330,000 a year” and I agree that is a substantial amount of money, but the riches of the average NFL player are so misconstrued. That leads into what I think is the second issue that gets guys in trouble.

#2 Living up to lifestyle expectations.

The societal pressure for NFL players to live a certain lifestyle is astronomical (especially the African American ones). The biggest societal misconception is that everyone in an NFL jersey is a millionaire. That is far from the truth. The families of most of these NFL guys think that NFL contract is going to be able to buy momma a new house and rebuild the local church. The average player can’t dream of affording that, but they sure will pretend. When people see the fortunes of the top players they automatically apply that to the whole profession. While to most of society that $330,000 league minimum is an enormous figure, but when you’re living a million dollar lifestyle it doesn’t stretch that far. When you take a closer look at that salary the figure becomes even less impressive. First off that salary is made in an 18 week time scale compared to 52 weeks like most jobs. In some states that rookie salary is taxed like they earn 500,000 over the course of the year which takes off an even greater chunk of their money. It takes a tremendous amount of maturity and responsibility to ration that pay to last for the whole year. I can barely budget being paid once a month I couldn’t imagine stretching 18 weeks of pay to 52 weeks of living. My point is that the lifestyle pressures of these guys influence’s there budget more than anything and ultimately is a huge contributor to the daunting stat I mentioned up top.

With all that being said the point of this was to let all the gold diggers know, it would be wise for you all to just go get a job. It’s not worth the trouble, lol.

Just a thought